home sweet home

i am home.
the united states of america.
i will be moving to nashville in about a week.
a place i hope to call home for awhile.
but, let me get back to the experience i just had.
sitting in the airport at 1:30 am waiting for our plane that leaves at 4:00.
god, who travels that early? why?
i look at bill and shaylan and can see the last 6 weeks. it occurs to me that in order to have survived the lies, the corruption, the stealing, we ourselves had to become part of it. i won't elaborate on the details but in the end, it was quite painful. it exhausted us.
i myself, have had moments in my life where i have lied, cheated and stole. it almost killed me. so much so that i had to change. it was either change or die. i remember choosing life.
but, what i can't get out of my head is the every day life that one must choose in order to have anything in kurdistan. iraq. a 3rd world country. a place that is more open minded than most of the middle east or is it? or does it hide behind those ideas?
kurds are a resilient people. it is true they have survived much more than either you or i could ever imagine. wait, maybe i shouldn't compare because everyone has their own hell and they deal with it in their own way.
but, it is true, that the kurds have been tortured, killed, gassed, kicked out of their home land returning only when it was safe, to find that all that was theirs was now owned by others. most likely the government. and now the daily struggle to make ends meet is a constant.
joining in the corruption just might be easier. food for your family. electricity. comfort. conform. be bought. have a better life.
i find it incredibly ridiculous that a country that is so rich in oil can not supply basic services for their people. electricity and water would be a good place to start. maybe if they had those things they would become a more prosperous people. maybe they would want to change. maybe the education would get better. maybe they could think for themselves. maybe the psychological effects of all the years wouldn't be so heavy because they would start to think more positive and life wouldn't be so hard. or would it?
our last day in kurdistan we had an interview with a woman who works in the ministry. she is a success story because she fought for what she wanted. she chose a husband from a different religion. HUGE. and she has a career. she is also one of the only people who said clearly "women here are lazy. they know that all they need to do is marry a man and stay home and take care of the children. why would they change? they don't need to."
i understand her. i get it. don't we also do that here in america? yes, we have many things that others don't. but, we are the same in that things work through corruption, greed, and lies. doesn't every system? in our personal lives we still struggle to tell the truth. do we lie because we're afraid? because we're afraid that in the end we won't get what we want? is it about personal survival? in my own experience lying is never the way to go. it always turns out bad and someone always gets hurt.
but to lie in a 3rd world country.....maybe it is about survival.
maybe i'm dreaming. maybe i just have too much hope in humans. maybe my ideals are ridiculous and i should look the other way. it would be the easier softer road to take. close my eyes. move on. live in my clean pretty life.
today, i don't have to see hungry dirty children, starving animals, trash, smell poopy water, see men just "hanging out" , women covered in black in scorching heat, breathe dust filled air, smell cigarettes and bad cologne, eat a kabob.
but, today i will miss my friends in sulimaniah. the connection i have with them is beautiful and hard to come by. i will miss the children's faces and their eyes. because i think they must know more than i. i will miss the landscape of the most majestic mountains i have ever seen. i will miss the struggle of the people who want to make it right and the conviction that they have. it is honorable. i will miss the laughter of the 4 germans and their pure way of looking at life. and their talk of bad drivers. a translated version of their website:
(http://translate.google.com/translate?hl=en&sl=de&u=http://www.n48e11.de/&sa=X&oi=translate&resnum=1&ct=result&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dhttp://www.n48e11.de/%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26rls%3Den)
i will miss the experience of traveling with my brother. waking up to "good morning sister". seeing his love for me. a true gift.
and, at the end of all of this, we had an adventure. we found ourselves on mountain tops, along borders in the middle of the night, on tiny roads with cliffs to one side, having tea with random people and being shown things that maybe, well, let me just ask, why doesn't everyone know? bill and i would look at each other like: what? how did we get here? why are they telling us this?
it is what it is. and may the film show all of it.
i had another experience.
it was arduous but rewarding.

today is independence day in america.

today, i get to have a good cup of coffee and take my dogs on a hike before it gets too hot. then, i get to lay by a pool, swim, i get to eat an organic salad with avocado and hey, maybe a movie later. i get to do this because i choose to.
because i am free to do so.
glorious.....


shaylan, simone, bill

lady cops!

"zee germans"

shaylan

somewhere in kurdistan

gas

funeral

somewhere else...

love

when my heart is broken,
i can't eat.
i can't sleep.
i cry at anything.
i get angry easily.
getting through a day takes a lifetime.
whenever i think about my love i can barely breathe which is all the time.
and then, one day, i am okay.
the acceptance has come.
hope is restored.

but, imagine feeling like this all the time....

i can not. i have been heartbroken a few times in my life and though they were great "learning" experiences i would never wish the pain on anyone.

i am comparing the feeling of being broken hearted to some of the experiences i have had here lately. it is difficult for me to write about it because i have a love for kurdistan and the kurds. but......yesterday i walked through trash to find people looking for food, for money, for things to sell. women, children, and men. i walked over a little hill and there was the dirtiest pond you've ever seen with dogs lounging about. cooler, i guess. they stared at me from their space. there were also puppies. little tiny happy puppies amongst all the trash. i love the dogs here. they are an interesting looking breed. but, i tend to get a little involved. the other day i saw a kid pretending to kick a dog that was tied up. not thinking i marched right over and asked him if he would like me to kick him. there was a bit of a crowd and my voice cracked and i am sure they wondered who the crazy american lady was. i talked/yelled about respect. how could you respect yourself if you disrespected other beings? even a dog. i think some peshmerge were amused as one decided to translate for me.

though this country is beautiful and much better than most parts of iraq the are things that are missing from an every day life. fundamentals such as electricity and water. when we stayed with friends we began to know the schedule of when there would be "national" electricity and local electricity. we got used to it yes, but, because we had to. i want you all to imagine in the middle of your hot summer what it would be like without electricity. no air conditioning, no refrigerator, no hot water, no washer and dryer........god, it really started to piss me off. maybe for a moment you can picture the break down in a society simply because there is no electricity. but wait, there are some who have it all the time. yeah, there is a way for everyone in this country to have light. oh and btw: just because i stay in a hotel doesn't mean the electricity doesn't go off here. but, they have generators. it's a must. no business without.

but the thing that is missing the most: love
yesterday a woman told us that kurds love romance movies because there is a lack of love in their society. titanic is a favorite. but, that being said, she is a woman who was divorced because her husband chose to be. she now works for an organization trying to build a future for younger generations. she says she has no hope for herself (she is only 30) but maybe for her daughter's generation. she feels sorry for the younger kids because they are not allowed to fall in love. to have the freedom to be together. it is still not a society that completely allows this. i can not imagine my life without all the experiences i have been allowed to have. falling in love being one of the greatest gifts ever. being free to choose. being free to just love.

i have a belief that love is the opposite of fear.

today, i choose love...



below are photographs of us with rasha's grandmother from mosul who made us the best lunch ever. she said she didn't like americans until she met us.....and then, of course, children.....pure

life in kurdistan

oh where to start.......

life has been quite exciting if not a bit hilarious since we last spoke.

first, it is hot as hell.
i have even heard a few kurds say "maybe this is hell".....
i find myself melting and fighting for cover. i used to marvel at a human lying under a tree that was smaller than he. but now, i get it. i only walk on the shady side of the street and sometimes i wish i had a burka even though it's black!

we have been traveling a lot. not much internet and honestly i haven't had a clue about what has been going on in the world until today. i am in my own hotel room with cnn. luxury.
but seriously......omg. wtf?
there is some stuff going down in this part of the world isn't there?
it's the heat.
it's gotta be.

anyways, we have had some adventures. the film is taking a new course. of course. it's mind boggling at times. there is just far too much information. my god. but, it's good. i'm happy. excited. little perplexed. but, good.

so, we had a driver. yay. loved him. same age as me (looked 50). but, he didn't read or write or speak english and our translator had other business. bummer. big bummer because we kept getting lost and if it hadn't been for shaylan and his map we might have ended up in iran or mosul. all roads seem to lead to mosul around here. anyways, the traffic laws are nonexistent. the roads are ridiculous and there is no car insurance so it is every man for himself. i have had many a moment where i thought a head on collision was possible. needless to say our driver is no longer with us. but we had some interesting times. i have spent a few moments pondering our situation and the country we're in.
it's a bit mind blowing....
one can only laugh and breathe.

on our travels we have run into 4 german boys. 22 and 23 year blonde boys in 2 campers driving across the middle east on holiday. yes. they are here on vacation. lol. when they came to the border between turkey and iraq they were asked what their business was. "we're tourists" terrorists? "no, tourists" it is not something the guards hear every day.....but, as crazy as it sounds this is such a good thing for kurdistan. europeans coming for vacation?

speaking of tourists and traveling.......on our way to sulimaniah the other day we saw many trucks that looked oddly out of place. they looked as if they might be from afghanistan. and then there were camels. yes, camels. we pulled off the road and walked into their camp. i must say that it was something more out of a movie than anything i have ever experienced. the sun was high i couldn't see the settings on my camera. i was cursing praying i would get one good shot. a woman and her four children. she and i communicated in sign language. and the only arab word i know. shukran. i can not tell you what the whole experience was like. i wanted to sit. wait. see what would happen. watch the sun go down. i was perplexed by the situation. how? why were they there? well, because it is safer here than anywhere else.

again.....northern iraq.
safe.

the germans have arrived at our hotel. it is shaylan's birthday tomorrow (june 18th). we are having a party. i am hoping some women will come. overload on testosterone.
i am missing my girls.....

more adventures to come...
working on 4th video blog....

i can

our days start early and lately i have been falling asleep in my clothes.

i find myself waking with the thought of wanting to just stay asleep.

i can't go out and shoot.
i can't ride in another car with another crazy driver.
i can't put on tons of sunscreen that makes me feel sticky.
i can't speak in sign language.
i can't smell the poopy water anymore.
i can't squat over a hole and hold my pants so they don't get wet.
i can't do any of it.

and then.....we're on a road trip.

kirkuk.
we went to a stadium where people have built homes. well, huts i should say.
the people living there had been kicked out of their homes and off their lands by saddam. they now live in the stadium with not really much hope of getting their homes back. the hope of a new life is there but the frustration is high.
there are no porta potties. there is no running water. people sleep six in a room the size of my bathroom. no, i'm sorry, smaller than my bathroom. there was a cow tied to wall. unhappy cow. you would be too standing in the heat like that with no shade or water. cats and dogs. ugh, my stomach turns and really i have started telling myself "they'll be better off when their dead". i followed two baby ducks. they were covered in mud and pecked at anything on the ground not finding food. this is where i lost it. i started to cry and couldn't stop. hid behind my sunglasses and camera as a woman spoke with us about her life. oh god. keeping it together was difficult for simone.....and then, the children. lovely beautiful little beings with light in their eyes. curiosity and just sweetness. they gathered 1,2,3,4,5,6,........on and on. they stood in a line and told me their names. they surrounded shaylan with his camera and the laughter was intoxicating. a young man asked for some help for their sports team. he wanted a donation of equipment for the kids.
(bill has asked and one of the cleveland sports team is getting on that. woo-hoo!)

i can.

hawler/erbil.
i wanted a shot of the kalat (old castle in the center). i wanted beautiful shots of the kalat. we have a new driver. bekir. he speaks no english. but, shaylan and i made it to the top of the kalat in the middle of the day. taking a shot of the city below i swear my eyes started to sweat. shaylan began melting. we came back later to shoot the sunset. all the dust here makes a beautiful sunset. still looking for a specific shot we came back the next morning. walking through small alley ways i followed a little girl in red and witnessed a little neighborhood. it was awesome. the women came from behind their doors and the children gathered. at one point a scared black cat ran through and caused quite a raucous. the most amazing things happen when you just stop and watch. i leaned against a wall and watched people chat, laugh, look, and just be. the colors were lovely. and once again shaylan was surrounded by children. he is so gentle. i just love him.

i can.

football stadium erbil.
what girl doesn't want to shoot a bunch of soccer players? fuuuun. the iraqi soccer team. cool, huh? they won the asia cup last year. they are a team made up of kurds, turks, sunni's, and shia's. of course for their dreams to become a reality, playing in their home, things must change. security is the reason the other teams don't want to come. security....

i can.

duqon

hmmmmmm......

hello all.

i am struggling with blogging. it is not from the lack of things to talk about. there are many things i would like to write. i find that i have become a bit careful. and often times i can not believe that i find my self in the midst of so much. there is no other way to describe any of this other than to say, "it's a lot".

the story is complicated. the word complicated has become a cop out. but, when one tries to describe the situation here there are many routes to take but it always comes back to some sort of twisted weave.

the last few days have been great. it is so hot and dusty that it has been difficult to breathe. it is hard to understand why anyone would live here. but like anyone, the kurds want to be a nation. they want a democratic society and pray that the united states won't let them down. it seems to me that they are the only part of the middle east that has sort of a "right mind" about them. they want their women to work. they believe their women are just as powerful as the men. they want their kids to be educated. they want freedom of speech. freedom of press. at one point they wanted to be the 51st state in the U.S. they love the americans for taking down saddam but are afraid of being left. if we leave, they will be "slaughtered" as one man put it.

i did not mean to get so serious but i have been surrounded with this daily. i am living amongst the locals. i love this. i love the kindness. i would hate for the face of america to change in their eyes.

beautiful days....

btw: this is our 2nd video blog. we have been having extreme difficulty with uploading but i think we have fixed the situation. more to come soon!


what a team...

suli bazaar

it's hot!

they hang out a lot!

independent newspaper

sex and the city

today "sex and the city" opens. i am melancholy thinking about how fun it would be to sit in a dark theater with my girlfriends. i am saddened thinking it might be gone when i get back. but, i heard i can go to the bazaar here and find a copy.
you think?

things have been good. i am constantly learning about this culture and myself. though i talked about the difficulty in traveling with shaylan i find him to be my greatest ally. i look into his face and often times see myself. the things that irritate me about him are some of my best traits. lol. but the deal is i am continually challenged. for example, yesterday we took a trip to halabja. it is a place known for being gassed by saddam in 1988. the town itself lost thousands of people. i wanted a shot of the city. i needed something close but vast. we started to drive up a mountain but i wasn't feeling it. then, i saw this water tower. beautiful. climb up, take the shot. great. we get there and i realize this tower is like 200 feet high (shaylan says 150). well, i am terrified of heights. but like a good soldier i climb. as kurdish men watch from below. shaylan is behind me with the camera on his back. bill is shooting from below. i start to panic half way up. shaylan calmly says, "you can do this. look up. you must trust yourself. you are okay." i was okay. but, i got to the top and then there was another top. yeah, no. shaylan of course kept climbing. i followed but then stopped holding on to the ladder and decided shaylan should take the shot. btw: i trust his eyes. sometimes i look at his photos and i think that i took it. he and i have similar tastes. i trusted. i climbed down. shaylan got the shot. i didn't get a round of applause but shaylan did. and, he is now known as "jack bower". later shakhawan told me that all the men wondered why i didn't get an operation to get rid of my freckles. lol. can you imagine?

i have more stories.....how about the 3 of us having to check in with the police because we are staying longer than 10 days. in doing so they told us that we would need AIDs tests. yes, it's true. so, we all trooped down to a hospital and got needles stuck in us and blood drawn. i must say the idea of getting an AIDs test alone is tricky if you've got a weak stomach. but, in IRAQ? come on. we thought bill was going to pass out. he did good and i happened to have a lollipop for him. the guards remarked on seeing such a big guy with a lollipop....these little things give us daily laughter.
anyways, apparently if you test positive you will be kicked out of the country. i am surprised and fascinated that there is not really a threat of AIDS here. shakhawan told me it's because no one has sex. well, i suppose that could be true......i don't believe it though.
we're still here, our blood must be good.

let's see.....i must talk about the toilets. i've got issues. i am constantly battling with the whole eastern thing. it's summer time. i drink a lot of water. i have to pee a lot. and damn if i don't continually pee on my feet. most days i am wearing flip flops and the toilets do provide little attached hoses with running water. and i must say that sometimes water on hot feet feels good. but wait, try it with no electricity. my cell phone has become my own personal flashlight. i find myself wanting to text my girls and just let them know they have it good but don't they wish they were me. lol.
but, i did have a bit of an epiphany about prayer. every time one prays they must wash their feet. they must go to allah clean. it's a lovely thought really. thinking of this action alone i sort of get it. water. cool. clean. your quiet moment....nice.
but, i really like western toilets. and no sandra, i will not be better at crow after this.

there are more shenanigans. but, most importantly we have gotten some great stuff. bill and i are happier than we've ever been with the filmmaking aspect of this. if all goes well and we get the support we need you are going to see a great film about a beautiful country and people. there is such grace and beauty here. unfortunately we as american's do not get to see it.

much love.....

overlooking suli

suli

shaylan makes friends with everybody

men in halabja

new friend